Things to figure out

I started to panic the other day about Stephanie going into labor. Being on this side of things can make you really anxious. Obviously if I was pregnant I would know when my body was going into labor and be able to prepare, but not being the one that goes into labor and needing to be "on call" made me so nervous. My smart phone is also the phone I use for work and I can receive emails at all hours of the night because for big projects I work with offshore. So I tend to silence my phone as to not have it go off every couple minutes. I suddenly realized I need to figure out how to allow Stephanie's number to dial through even if the phone is on silent. What if she goes into labor in the middle of the night?! What if I didn't have my phone on and we missed it?! All things I didn't think about until this week. I need to have someone ready to come to the house to stay with Eliza if this happens in the middle of the night. There is so much I need to figure out!

1) make sure I can get calls from Stephanie at all hours

2) I need someone on call for Eliza

3) book tour of the hospital

4) confirm the hospital knows we need two rooms

We made some updates to the nursery. Eliza has been spending alot of time in here.

By The State of Connecticut - It's Official We Are the Parents

On Wednesday we went to court. It's a formality and necessary part of the process, but we went to court so the State of Connecticut will recognize Carmelo and I as the parents of the baby. We had to accept all rights to the child and Stephanie and Eric had to waive all rights. The judge granted us to be the intended parents and we can officially have our names on the Birth Certificate. Seems funny to have to go to court to get our names on the Birth Certificate and when I told people that we had to go to court. Their first question was "Did Stephanie change her mind?"  - NO absolutely not. But it's people's first reaction that you only go to court for bad stuff. But as we learned, you can go to court for good stuff too!

49 Days To Go!

CT Family Court after it was Official

Nursery - 30 Weeks

Friday marked 30 weeks! Which means we now are less than 10 weeks away from holding Baby P! I can not believe how quickly time is going.

This weekend we prepped the house for Baby. Initially I didn't think we were going to put a room together. I figured the baby would be sleeping in our room for the first three months and depending on how good of a sleeper the baby was, He/She may just share a room with Eliza. But of course as time ticked away I felt really strongly about having a space for Baby P. So I guess nesting does kick in for Intended Parents!

This weekend I put together a dresser and the crib, moved the glider into the room and picked up some formula and diapers. I also ordered a bed frame (the room is also our guest room) and new area rug. Those should arrive in the next couple weeks and then I'll have to decide on any prints or decor I want in the room.

I've already found myself stopping by the room every time I'm upstairs. Eliza has also already climbed into the crib twice "to sleep" and asked if she could sleep in the room and said she misses "her baby brother/sister so bad". I tell her we will meet them soon. I just feel so lucky and happy and the room gives me some peace. So countdown is on! Less than 10 weeks to go!

29 Weeks

29 Weeks! Where has the time gone?! I can not believe we have potentially less than 11 weeks left or about 73 days!

Originally I didn't think we were going to set up a nursery. I had planned on waiting until the baby was here and see if it was a boy or girl and if was a girl, put the crib in Eliza's room. But now I'm thinking I want a space that is the baby's. So I have been purging and reorganizing the guest bedroom. The guest bed will remain in there but I'm hoping to add some updates to the room, bring in the glider, set up the crib and provide a quiet space for baby.

Carmelo and I have also started to get more serious about trying to figure out names. I think we've landed on a boy's name, but have been struggling with a girl's name. We have a list but nothing that has really given us that "YES!" moment.

So much to do! And we are so excited!

29 Week Bump!

Making Lemonade

"When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade"

This post is long overdue but back in July, Carmelo, Eliza and I went out to Stephanie and Eric's home to support the boys' Lemonade Stand. This was the second year that Stephanie and the boys had a lemonade stand where the proceeds went to a charity. This year Stephanie and the boys picked "Bikers Against Animal Cruelty" and they raised $772!

It was truly inspiring to see how the community came out to support them and continued to reinforce how amazing Stephanie is and the impact she has on other's lives.

Carmelo's Family Meets Stephanie

This weekend we had family over to meet Stephanie and her family. Since the family was all going to be there we also decided to buy some balloons and a cake and make it's Eliza's Birthday Party.

The evening went perfectly. Everyone absolutely loved Stephanie. Eliza and her boys continue to amaze me how much they just naturally get along.

Eliza is also starting to make the connection of Stephanie's belly and her sibling. She couldn't get enough of Stephanie's belly. Touching it, hugging it and giving it kisses. It made my heart so happy to see how natural it was for Eliza to interact with the baby.  I continue to feel so thankful and blessed to have found someone to help us grow our family. There are moments of wishing that things could be different. Wishing Eliza would be able to interact with the baby belly everyday. Wishing it was my belly growing. But I know that is not our path and this is what was meant to be. And I continue to focus on that moment of holding our baby for the first time. A moment that would not be possible without my amazing doctors and Stephanie.

So Happy (early) Birthday Eliza! I hope you had the most amazing day! Love you Bunny Boos.

Half Way There

I can't believe we are officially 20 weeks! Half way there! We are getting so excited for this little one.

20 Week Bump!

One way that Eliza has been able to feel connected with the baby is with a bear we purchased from Build A Bear. It was actually Stephanie's idea. She has done it with each of her boys. But she picked up the recording device from the store and brought it with her to one of our appointments. While there we recorded the baby's heartbeat on it. After we brought it home and then took Eliza to pick out a bear (Well she picked out the bear's dress. She really wanted a Paw Patrol stuff animal, but I quickly vetoed that. Maybe next time kid).

Anyway she now has her baby siblings heartbeat with her whenever she wants. She carries the bear around talking to it like it's her baby sibling. It's really become quite adorable and I am so thankful for Stephanie's idea to do this. Truth be told, I find myself squeezing the bear's hand quite often to hear the heartbeat and feel the baby's presence.

His Plan

"Sometimes our plans don't work out because God has bigger plans for us"

I stumbled across this picture of Eliza. She was 11 months old at the time. I had taken this picture to send to my closet friends and family letting them in on our secret. We were pregnant. And although the idea of having two under two was overwhelming, the thought of them being so close in age and being "best friends" made me excited. As we know God had other plans for us.

Now Eliza is 3 years old. And although her sibling and her will not be as close in age, I know she is ready to be a big sister and she is eagerly awaiting her "best friend". I'm thankful for the three years I had with just Eliza. Our simple life. Our lives will be more chaotic now. Another sibling, Eliza is starting soccer, dance and a new school. So although I would give anything to have our baby that was due in May 2015 I am thankful that the loss allowed us to slow down. Appreciate the moments.

Announcement

So we announced today on Social Media today. Carmelo asked if we could wait a couple more weeks, but I was ready to share the news and after showing Carmelo, Stephanie's growing bump he got a lot more comfortable with it.

So here it is! We are just so overwhelmed with the comments and support we have been receiving!

"Carmelo, Eliza and I are thrilled to announce that I'M NOT PREGNANT but OUR SURROGATE IS! Baby set to arrive January 2018. We couldn't be more excited for this miracle and blessing (and science)."

End of 1st Trimester and Genetic Test Results

We were on vacation all last week, but last Monday morning I received the email with our genetic test results. Results were NEGATIVE! No abnormalities, which means there is a very low risk that our baby has a chromosome alteration. I can  breathe. So now...how are we going to announce this pregnancy?!!? 

Commonly Asked Surrogacy Questions

Here is sample of some of the most frequently questions I get.

Q: Why are you using a surrogate?

A: I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in February 2016. It was Stage 3 (diagnosed based on the size of my tumor and because it had traveled to my auxiliary lymph nodes). My cancer was Estrogen and Progesterone positive, meaning it feeds on those hormones. Hormones that are increased when you are pregnant, in fact during IVF you inject your body with those hormones.

I will be on Lupron for two years and Tamoxifen for five years, putting my body into menopause. Some oncologists support patients stopping Tamoxifen to get pregnant (you can not be pregnant and on Tamoxifen). Originally this was our hope. But after seeing how my body reacted to hormone treatment, my oncologist could not support me stopping Tamoxifen. He told me I could get a second opinion, but I didn't want to doctor shop to get the answer I wanted. I went to MGH because they are the best cancer doctors in the world and I trusted his opinion. I would give anything to be able to carry my own baby, but what's the point of having a baby if I'm not around? I needed to put my health ahead of my desire to carry. So in October 2016 we began our search for a surrogate.

Q: Is the baby yours?

A: Yes. We implanted an embryo. My egg and Carmelo's sperm, so the baby is 100% genetically ours.


Q: Are you afraid Stephanie is going to take your baby?

A: No. Stephanie has three beautiful children of her own. If she wanted a fourth she would have one with her husband, not with me and Carmelo.

Q: Does Eliza know?

A: Yes. We have been very open about the process with Eliza, but she is also too little to  know anything different. She often pretend plays to be "Stephanie" and hands me her baby dolls. We have read books to her on the subject as well. The books we purchased were "Why I'm so Special. A book about Surrogacy" (this is my favorite), "The Kangaroo Pouch" and "The Very Kind Koala"

Q: Do you go to appointments?

A: Yes. We are very fortunate that Stephanie is local because typically it doesn't always work out like that. Since Stephanie is local, we try and make every appointment no matter how small or big it is.

Q: Will you be in the delivery room?

A: Yes! This was a question that was asked during our consults with the surrogacy agency as well as our psych evaluation and we both want to be in the room. If the birth is vaginal we will both be there, if the birth ends up being c-section, I will definitely be in the room and we will try and sneak Carmelo in too.

Q: Are you going to find out the gender?

A: Nope! We didn't find out with Eliza and we don't want to treat this pregnancy any different. I also feel like it's nice for there to be a part of this pregnancy that will be a surprise for everyone. It's really hard not to not be carrying my own baby. And keeping the gender a secret allows me to control something. It's also the best surprise in the world. I can not wait for that moment in the delivery room!

Q: Will you eventually tell the baby about Stephanie?

A: We went into this process having no expectations about our relationship with the surrogate. We didn't need one, but if one happened naturally we would welcome it. And sure enough one has happened naturally, so I'm hopeful that Stephanie will be in our lives even after the birth of our child. I would love for our child to know Stephanie and her role in our story.

Q: Do you give suggestions or requirements to Stephanie during the pregnancy?

A: No. We wouldn't have chosen Stephanie if we didn't trust her and how she would handle the pregnancy. She has also had three healthy and successful pregnancies. Girlfriend is a pro and doesn't need any advice from me.

Q: Why did you use a surrogate and not adopt?

A: This is a tough one and one that I've thought alot about. I know there are so many children out there that need a good home. We started this process in February when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We chose to freeze embryos in case the treatment put me into early menopause (which I am currently in). The hope was that I would be able to stop my Tamoxifen treatment to get pregnant and carry my baby. That unfortunately was not an option for me. So we had to make a decision as to what we wanted to do and although I know a pregnancy isn't considered viable until 24 weeks when I think of the three embryos we have frozen, those are ours. Those are our babies and we need to give them a chance.

Any other questions? Feel free to ask!

Anniversaries

2016 was a tough year. Not only was my entire year dedicated to cancer treatments, but I also lost someone very close to me, my Aunt Marcia. 2017 now presents all those first year anniversaries. Anniversary of diagnosis, anniversary or treatment dates, anniversary of completion dates, anniversary of losses.

May 12 was one of the Anniversary dates that I dreaded the most and ironically it was an Anniversary that had nothing to do with my cancer diagnosis or treatment.  It was the Anniversary of losing my Aunt Marcia. Marcia is my dad's sister. My dad is one of 7. Being such a large family in such a small town, everyone knew my family growing up. We are "townies", born and raised in the same town my grandparents were born in. Most of the siblings remained in the area, all live in a short driving distance from each other. I grew up with 17 first cousins. Again the majority of us all getting together for each holiday. I have fond memories of massive Egg Hunts in my Grandmother's or my parent's backyard. Christmas Eve's at my Aunt Marcia's when my Uncle would dress up like Santa and deliver gifts. Christmases at my parent's or my Uncle Barry's. There were late nights with my Aunts and Uncles celebrating, drinking, dancing and playing games. I moved after graduation and I get back home sometimes, but it's not the same. I miss the days of all of us being together.

Of all my Aunts and Uncles, my Aunt Marcia was the one that made sure we all still got together. Despite her sometimes blunt way of talking, she was one of the most inclusive people I ever met. She never turned anyone away from a party or a meal, even if she was mad at you, you were still  invited and made to feel welcome in only the way my Aunt Marcia could make you feel welcome.

As things typically happen after two people get married, my holidays started to become split between my family and Carmelo's family. We try and be fair and do every other year, but that means there are some holidays where it's just my mom, my dad and my brother at home. After years of having holidays filled with chaos and lots of people, it's a hard transition to all of a sudden be sitting at a table just the three of you. My Aunt Marcia understood this and would always without fail call my parents to make sure they knew they had a place to go if they didn't want to be alone. That always meant so much to me and breaks my heart now that it's gone.

My Aunt Marcia's house was always chaotic and not only did she not turn away friends and family, she never turned away a child either. For years my Aunt Marcia was a foster parent. She would take in babies and children in constant rotation, making sure they had a safe place to live. Her love of babies and children was admirable.  She had three children of her own, but never turned a mouth away and eventually adopted three of the children that she fostered. Now having six children of her own. She was an amazing person.

After my Breast Cancer diagnosis, Aunt Marcia was one of the first to reach out to me. She checked in on me almost every other day, making sure I was still smiling and doing okay. So when she received her Cancer diagnosis right after me, I made sure to do the same for her. She was diagnosed with Lymphoma, an immune system cancer.  We would talk about how we were feeling, what was ahead of us, how we would be bald together and most importantly how we were going to celebrate once our treatment was over. We were scared, but we were in this together and we were going to have the biggest party once our treatment was over. That celebration never happened. On May 12 we lost her.

It's a surreal feeling losing someone to a disease that you are battling at the same time. She wasn't supposed to die. We were supposed to beat cancer together. I'm not sure why I survived and she didn't. For the rest of my treatment, I felt like something was missing. Someone was missing. I missed her so much. I still miss her so much. Things just aren't the same with her gone. There is a void.

So May 12th was coming and I was dreading it until our blood work was scheduled for May 12, 2017. Blood work that would tell us if Stephanie was pregnant and the embryo implanted. On May 12, 2017, one year after losing my Aunt, we received the phone call that we were having a baby. There is no doubt in my mind, that my Aunt Marcia, the lover of babies has had a hand in making all this happen. Although I miss her so much and wish she was here to share this amazing news with, it's comforting to know I have an Angel watching over us and this baby. Aunt Marcia, We love you. We miss you.

Next up: July 7, 2017. The big 12 week ultrasound and also the one year anniversary of completing my chemo treatments.

First Visit to the OB/GYN

Do you ever just feel like you're failing at life? This past week has been brutal. I have a huge project at work that it taking up about 90% of my life and all of my mental capacity. I'm not sleeping because I've been having the worst hot flashes (thank you Lupron and Tamoxifen for putting me into menopause). We gutted our kitchen, so my house is in complete chaos.  No kitchen means, no sink, no stove and my entire kitchen is in my dining room. Eliza also got some sort of bug bite that made her eye swell like she had gone 10 rounds with Holyfield. She's been home from school because she can't see. And I'm exhausted.

This week started off with me forgetting to send my Dad Father's Day cards, followed by me completely forgetting to meet Stephanie for bloodwork on Tuesday. Two things that are so important to me just slipped my mind and I'm feeling like I can't keep up.

So after a brutal start to the week, I was really REALLY looking forward to our first trip to Stephanie's OB/GYN. I was really excited to meet her doctor and for her doctor to meet us and of course I was also excited to see our baby and heartbeat. The appointment went great. We went straight in for an ultrasound and got to see our little Gummy Bear. The baby's limbs were so clear this time and it was so fun to see our Bear's arms and legs.

After the ultrasound we went back to the waiting room to be called in to see the doctor. The visit consisted of a lot of questions about both our history and Stephanie's history. Some questions we fumbled through because we weren't sure who was supposed to answer them. But overall the appointment once again could not have gone better. Her doctor was so sweet and echoed our feeling about how amazing Stephanie is and that she is truly giving us the greatest gift. In fact her doctor got me a little choked up with how amazed she was with Stephanie. I'd like to say it's the lack of sleep, but it's not. It's that I still can't believe this is happening and that we found someone that couldn't be more perfect for us.

Needless to say this week got a whole lot better.

Eight Weeks

We had our 8 week ultrasound today and you know what's amazing?! The baby looks great! Heartbeat is strong and everything is perfect. You know what sucks?! The trauma of our miscarriage takes all the excitement out of the ultrasounds. I walk into every ultrasound expecting to not see a heartbeat. I live in fear of the ultrasound. They make me anxious.

I really want to bring Eliza to an ultrasound appointment. But I am so afraid. What if there is no heartbeat? How would I explain that to Eliza? I don't think I would be strong enough to hold it together for Eliza not to see how sad I am.

I remember so clearly our 12 week ultrasound. Carmelo and I walked into the room so excited. For my pregnancy with Eliza this was our favorite ultrasound. She was a little jumping bean at 12 weeks and it was so much fun to see her moving so much. For the second baby, the technician put the ultrasound wand on my belly and up on the screen the baby popped. Not moving. Carmelo said "The baby must be sleeping." I remember looking away from the screen because I knew what I was seeing. Then the technician said "I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat." I have never been so sad. I have never seen my husband more sad. The whole thought just breaks my heart and I would never want to expose Eliza to that.

We have our  next ultrasound scheduled for June 21. We will be 9.5 weeks pregnant. Our second baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. I'm hoping after the next ultrasound my fear will be lessened and I will be in a place to bring Eliza to the big 12 week appointment. But until then I am going to watch this video of my baby's heartbeat for the 1,000th time, celebrate the life that is growing because I am so in love already.

Race for the Cure

This Saturday was Hartford's Race for the Cure. For the second year in a row my team was recognized as a top fundraising team and I was a top individual fundraiser. In two years my team has raised $14,300 to help fund local Breast Cancer programs. I'm really proud of the fundraising work I have done because even though I received my treatment in Boston, it was the diagnosis here in Connecticut that saved my life. And any chance where I can give back, I want to.

This year I also made the commitment to run the 5k. As a survivor you are constantly struggling with who you were before and who you are after treatment and finding a balance. Running was a part of who I was before my diagnosis and I thought Race for the Cure was as good a time as any to try and get myself back. I am happy to report I finished and my time wasn't that terrible either.

A couple weeks ago I had asked Stephanie if she would join us. I was so happy when she said she would go. The day just felt complete having my whole little family there. It was also a nice opportunity for her to meet my parents and since her mom and sister decided to join Stephanie I got to meet them too! I don't think that the introductions could have gone any better. It really was a perfect day.

Our Little Family Before The Race Started

With My Parents

I swear she was excited to be there.

This weekend also marked our 6th Wedding Anniversary. We take the same photo in our backyard every year.

There is a Heartbeat

It's amazing how much the baby has grown in just a week. A week ago we were at the doctor's searching for anything to confirm the baby was still there, today, one week later, there was so much to see. And we were able to see the most important thing of all...the heartbeat.

Going into today's ultrasound, I'd be lying to say I wasn't a nervous wreck. After last week I just wouldn't allow myself to get to a place where I was 100% confident the baby was okay, but today, seeing that little flutter on the screen allowed me to take the deepest sigh of relief. Our baby is okay and at 138 beats per minute, the baby is actually very okay.

A video of the heartbeat and our ultrasound photo

And now we are going into the weekend with the exciting news of a heartbeat. This weekend is the Hartford's Komen Race for a Cure. My parents will be there with some of our close friends and family and I am so excited that Stephanie and the baby will also be joining us, along with her mom and sister!. There will be so much to celebrate and I am forever thankful that our little family of four will all be there participating in something very special to me

Added bonus Sunday is our 6th Wedding Anniversary. Like I said so much to celebrate!

Last Year's Komen Walk

10:34 AM

Wednesday, May 24 at 10:34 AM I was sitting at my desk preparing for my presentation with our Chief of Operations and Technology Officer when my phone rang. "Stephanie" popped up on my screen and I thought "that's strange, Stephanie usually texts me" in fact I had just heard from her earlier that the Sea Bands I gave her were working. So I was surprised to see her name on my screen. When I picked up I could hear her talking to her son, Ryan, and thought, "maybe she butt dialed me", but then I heard her voice and it cracked "Meghan..." She then went on to tell me that she had experienced some cramping and bleeding and that she called the Clinic and they scheduled us for an ultrasound at 1:30. My stomach sank, but I knew this was a risk. I've seen the statistic that 52% of embryo transfers (in my age band) result in a Singleton birth. I'm sure that statistic may be even lower for surrogates. Add in there that Carmelo and I have already experienced a miscarriage, I have been nervous from Day 1 that our embryos just won't make it full term. It just felt like the odds aren't in our favor.

First I sent a message to Carmelo, telling him what was going on and that I was just trying to hold it together at work so I'm sorry I couldn't call him, but I would as soon as I left the building. Then I sent a quick message to my boss letting him know what was going on and that he would need to take over for our presentation. Thankfully I have a boss that understands and support a family work life balance. He said no problem and that he hoped everything was okay. It felt strange though sending the message. I wondered how my boss would react. It's strange feeling being the one that could possibly be losing her baby, but not the one physically going through the act. I can say I think I finally understand how Carmelo felt when we lost our baby. Completely helpless. Would people understand how truly devastating this would be for Carmelo and I? Or would they expect me to just recover quickly because again it didn't physically happen to me? All I know is how I felt and I felt like my world was standing still and the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt like my priority is my family and I needed to leave to be with my family.

I left the office around 11:30 to head home, change and get Carmelo. Around 1:00 we left the house to meet Stephanie and Eric at the clinic. We arrived first and they were there shortly after us. When Stephanie walked into the waiting room I could see it in her face, she was scared, I was too. We sat there talking, but not talking too much for fear that we might burst into tears.

The nurse came and got us. Carmelo, Stephanie and I went into the room, Eric stayed in the waiting room. After some maneuvering we saw what we needed to see, the sac and what appeared to be the start of the fetal pole. The doctor was able to zoom in and measure what we saw on the screen. It measured to be 5 weeks and 5 days...to the day where the embryo should be. You could feel the sense of relief come through the room. The baby was still there and the baby was fine.

Further scanning showed that Stephanie has a Subchorionic Hematoma, which is an accumulation of blood and should clear up on it's own. Of course it will add some additional paranoia to the pregnancy since Stephanie could continue to experience bleeding until it is cleared up. But there was a reason for the bleeding and it wasn't us losing the baby. Stephanie was okay and the baby was okay.

This whole process is new to us. It's new to me and Carmelo. It's new to Stephanie and Eric. Everything we experience is a learning experience. Today was a big one. Today made me realize how fragile this situation is. How little control I have. Today made me realize once again that I could not imagine going through this with anyone other than Stephanie. She was a rockstar in a very intense situation. I can not imagine the weight that she was experiencing today. But she was amazing and did everything I would have done if it was happening to me. And I have a feeling that together we are going to beat the odds.

Things Not to Say to The Intended Parents (specifically the Mother)

Things are progressing as they should! Stephanie's bloodwork last Tuesday was above where it needed to be and I got a text message today saying that exhaustion is setting in...which means her body is housing a baby! So we could not be happier and have been slowly letting family and close friends know where we are at with the process.

We have the best support system and everyone has expressed their excitement for us. But even among the excitement and the hugs and the tears I still get some comments that take me back. They are never ill tended and are often followed by awkward silence after they realize what they have said, but the comments sting so I thought I would share what has hurt so if others are faced with news from an Intended Mother that her surrogate is pregnant they will avoid these statements.

1) "How awesome you can still drink!" - This is probably the most common statement that I get when I share our news of expanding our family thru surrogacy. It baffles me that people put that much emphasis on being pregnant and alcohol. It's no secret I enjoy a glass of wine or beer, but I would give it all up in a second if it meant I could carry my own baby.

2) "Lucky! You get to have a baby and not get fat!" - Similar to the first comment, I would do anything to be able to carry my own baby, this includes gaining the pregnancy weight. In fact, I lost weight when I was pregnant with Eliza...see Number One, remember you can't drink when you're pregnant, so although I gained a baby belly, I lost the beer one and kept it off until Eliza's 9 month sleep regression...which at that time the only thing that kept me going was caffeine and chocolate. Which brings me to the third comment.

3) "Since you aren't going thru the whole birthing process, you won't be exhausted." - Oh I didn't realize that the only part of having a baby that caused exhaustion was the actual act of delivery, not the feedings every 2 hours, or late nights when babies think it's a good time to have a party or scream for hours on end. Phew. Lucky me.

4) "You'll have all that time off and not have to worry about your recovery" - News Flash, since I am not the one going through the act of delivery guess what else I don't get...Short Term Disability. Guess what I do get? Two weeks paid. Yep. Two weeks. Lucky me again. I plan on writing a separate post on this topic and our lack of Paid Family Leave in this country, so I'll save the rant for another day, but yeah instead of the 8 weeks I would have got with my C-Section delivery, I get TWO.

I'm sure there will be more comments made, but these are the ones I have heard the most. So, if someone shares with you the news of expanding their family thru surrogacy, just remember chances are they didn't get there because they wanted to, chances are it was their only option. So if someone shares with you their surrogate is pregnant...Squeal with excitement. Shout CONGRATULATIONS! Cry tears of joy. Give them hugs. There is no need for anything other than that.

This Mother's Day

This Mother's Day felt different. Last year turned into my Cancer coming out party. Carmelo took one of my favorite photos of Eliza and I at Elizabeth Park and when I shared it on Facebook, there was no turning back, it was out there. Eliza's mom has cancer.

Mother's Day 2016

Fast forward a year and so much has changed. I beat cancer. It's gone. But I also found out I couldn't carry another baby. So it isn't just the cancer that is gone, but also the hope of getting pregnant.
It's a strange feeling being told your first child is your last. There was no planning or preparation for it. I didn't go thru my pregnancy with Eliza thinking "I need to remember how everything feels because this is my last time." I'm thankful that Eliza was such an easy pregnancy and I enjoyed every second of it. I never complained. Never felt sick. Never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant. If I could have been pregnant 100 times, I would have. I loved it. But although I enjoyed it, I don't think I took the time to really appreciate it and mentally capture every moment. I would have taken more pictures, which I have thousands, but it doesn't feel like enough. I would have taken more videos of the way my belly moved when she would kick or roll over. Being told you will never be pregnant again, when you haven't had a chance to prepare, really makes you not take all those small things for granted. I just wish I knew that 4 years ago.

6 Months Pregnant (in August) with Eliza

Now we have the most amazing gift in that we froze embryos and we found the most perfect surrogate. So although my dream of being pregnant is gone, the chance of expanding our family isn't. And what that has taught me is, you don't need to carry a baby or birth a baby to be a mother. Friday was our big day. I went with Stephanie first thing in the morning to get her bloodwork. This bloodwork would measure her hCG levels and tell us if the embryo we had transferred had implanted and if in fact she was pregnant. Waiting for that phone call felt like it took forever. It was the longest four hours of my life. But the nurse called and we got the news we wanted to hear. WE WERE HAVING A BABY!
When I heard those words, my whole body collapsed and I cried. I cried because every prayer we had said was answered. And I was going to get to be a mother again.
So this pregnancy will be different. I'll never feel this baby kick from the inside, I won't be able to talk to this baby every night or sit in the rocker singing "you are my sunshine" like I did for Eliza. But I hold onto to the thought of when we meet our baby for the first time and I am so thankful for that moment. My motherhood story with Eliza will be so much different than my story with our next child. I may not carry this baby in my belly, but I have carried this baby in my heart for so, so, SO long. And that is the Mother's love this baby will know and feel.
So this Mother's Day was different because there was so much to be celebrating.

Embryo Transfer Day

The transfer is complete!

I do not have the words to describe how happy we are today. After everything we have been through, it's finally all happening.

The day started off as normal as possible. We got Eliza fed, dressed and off to school, telling her that after today, her baby brother or sister is going to be in Stephanie's belly. She is so beyond excited to become a big sister.

Eliza can't wait for her Baby Brother or Sister, but she still has to go to school

I worked for a couple hours and then Carmelo and I took a walk. On our walk we talked about how blessed we are and that we feel so lucky that this day was finally here. Around 10:20, we got in the car and headed over to the fertility clinic. Upon our arrival and before we exited the car, we said a quick prayer asking for Stephanie and the baby to be protected thru this process. We took a deep breath and headed it.

Stephanie and her husband were already there and just like every other time we have got together with them, we embraced and smiled and were both so excited for what's ahead.  The clinic was running a little behind, so it gave us more time to talk. I love how much Carmelo and Stephanie's husband get along.

Eventually the nurse came and got Stephanie and I. She changed and the nurses went over a couple things and then brought in the husbands. The doctor came in and gave us "Baby's First Photo", a close up of our embryo. After going thru the procedure and any questions, Stephanie was escorted back to the transfer room and 15 minutes later was wheeled back in. Embryo transferred!

Our Team

Our embryo

Stephanie had to lay down for about 20 minutes, but after that the nurse said we were free to go. That was it...the day we had been waiting so long for was over...and now we wait...

Next up we are scheduled for the pregnancy test to confirm the pregnancy on May 12. Pray for us.

"I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that's what faith can do."

See that little speck? Right there? That's our baby! Transfer completed!

Introducing The Kids

So much has been going into preparing my family for what's to come. We have bought books that we have read to Eliza to help her understand that a new baby is coming, but the baby won't be in Mommy's tummy. She knows our surrogate by name, Stephanie, and we talk about her and her family openingly. We show her pictures of Stephanie and  her family so she can recognize them.

Going into this we didn't have any expectations about the relationship we were going to have with the surrogate and her family. We wanted any sort of relationship to happen naturally and if one didn't happen that was okay too. I could tell immediately upon meeting Stephanie that we would develop a relationship beyond the next year. But for us, Carmelo and I, it took us a while to let our guard down. We have both been thru so much in the last two years. Between losing a pregnancy and my cancer diagnosis, it's been hard for us to truly believe that good things are happening.

Between doctor's appointments and our mandated psych evaluations, we have seen Stephanie and her husband quite a bit, but we hadn't introduced Eliza to them or her kids. We talked about wanting everyone to get together, but Carmelo and I needed to be in a good, secure place before we could let the introduction happen. I want Eliza to know her and I want her kids to know us. It's important for Eliza to see who will be helping us grow our family and it's important for her kids to see who their mommy is helping. This is going to have a big impact on them as well. So the weekend before the embryo transfer we arranged for our families to get together and it couldn't have gone better.

We met at a local farm and the kids immediately hit it off. Ice was broken over the kids (and adults) shared love of Munchkins and from there, they were running around, feeding the animals, riding the horses, snacking some more and talking about their favorite topic, poop. I'm pretty sure Eliza and Stephanie's middle are spirit animals and didn't stop giggling about poop and pee the entire day.

It was the perfect day and just makes us so much more excited for tomorrow, Embryo Transfer Day! and what this year is going to bring for us.

Looking At The Pigs

Waiting for Their Horse Ride And Probably Talking About Poop

Most Likely Talking About Poop

Expectations

Having never been through this process before it's really hard to set the right expectations. The process up until the other day had been going perfect. Almost too perfect. When we first started this journey I don't think we thought we would be matched so quickly. To give you a timeline I reached out to the surrogacy agency we are using on October 19, we received two gestational carrier profiles on December 16, we had our first phone call with the potential carrier and her husband on the 29th, we met them on January 7 and on January 11 we were officially matched. So in less than three months we contacted the agency and were matched with the woman who would be carrying our baby (mind you I finished radiation on December 27, so it's been a crazy couple months).

So this brings me to our next step. Our paperwork needed to be sent to our fertility clinic to start the process with them. So the clinic called and said they scheduled our consult for February 10, well February 10 doesn't work for us and apparently the next available time isn't until March 10. A month later?! Seriously?! And apparently NOTHING else can happen until this consult takes place. And come to find out we could have done this consult back in October when we started this process however I was never told that either of the two times I called the office. What the clinic told me each time I called was they will start their process when they receive the paperwork from the agency. Yeah not the case. AND to find out this consult is to determine if we medically qualify to use a surrogate? Now I know I qualify, my oncologist will not support me getting pregnant, but what if there was a chance I didn't...we already gave money to the agency, mind you not a small amount. What would happen if our clinic didn't approve it? They wouldn't let us have a baby? Use OUR embryos? We'd be out that money? I'm just totally annoyed with the process today. I know I did my part. If there was anything I learned through my cancer diagnosis and treatment is that you have to be your own advocate, no one cares as much about you as you do. I know I made those phone calls and was told the wrong information and so now we are looking at possibly delivering our baby in 2018 instead of 2017. I know a couple months shouldn't matter and we need to be patient, but when you have been praying for this baby since 2014 and you've already been through so much, all you want is to be blessed as quickly as possible with this new life. Watch me while I practice patience.

It's Official!

It's official! We received the official email from the agency saying we are matched!

After we met with the surrogate and her husband we immediately emailed the agency saying we want to move forward. That was Saturday. Today is Wednesday. Those days with no communication felt like years. You start to question "did something change?" Nope! Nothing changed, our contact was just out of the office.


"For this child we have prayed and God has granted us." Samuel 1:27