Here is sample of some of the most frequently questions I get.
Q: Why are you using a surrogate?
A: I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in February 2016. It was Stage 3 (diagnosed based on the size of my tumor and because it had traveled to my auxiliary lymph nodes). My cancer was Estrogen and Progesterone positive, meaning it feeds on those hormones. Hormones that are increased when you are pregnant, in fact during IVF you inject your body with those hormones.
I will be on Lupron for two years and Tamoxifen for five years, putting my body into menopause. Some oncologists support patients stopping Tamoxifen to get pregnant (you can not be pregnant and on Tamoxifen). Originally this was our hope. But after seeing how my body reacted to hormone treatment, my oncologist could not support me stopping Tamoxifen. He told me I could get a second opinion, but I didn't want to doctor shop to get the answer I wanted. I went to MGH because they are the best cancer doctors in the world and I trusted his opinion. I would give anything to be able to carry my own baby, but what's the point of having a baby if I'm not around? I needed to put my health ahead of my desire to carry. So in October 2016 we began our search for a surrogate.
Q: Is the baby yours?
A: Yes. We implanted an embryo. My egg and Carmelo's sperm, so the baby is 100% genetically ours.
Q: Are you afraid Stephanie is going to take your baby?
A: No. Stephanie has three beautiful children of her own. If she wanted a fourth she would have one with her husband, not with me and Carmelo.
Q: Does Eliza know?
A: Yes. We have been very open about the process with Eliza, but she is also too little to know anything different. She often pretend plays to be "Stephanie" and hands me her baby dolls. We have read books to her on the subject as well. The books we purchased were "Why I'm so Special. A book about Surrogacy" (this is my favorite), "The Kangaroo Pouch" and "The Very Kind Koala"
Q: Do you go to appointments?
A: Yes. We are very fortunate that Stephanie is local because typically it doesn't always work out like that. Since Stephanie is local, we try and make every appointment no matter how small or big it is.
Q: Will you be in the delivery room?
A: Yes! This was a question that was asked during our consults with the surrogacy agency as well as our psych evaluation and we both want to be in the room. If the birth is vaginal we will both be there, if the birth ends up being c-section, I will definitely be in the room and we will try and sneak Carmelo in too.
Q: Are you going to find out the gender?
A: Nope! We didn't find out with Eliza and we don't want to treat this pregnancy any different. I also feel like it's nice for there to be a part of this pregnancy that will be a surprise for everyone. It's really hard not to not be carrying my own baby. And keeping the gender a secret allows me to control something. It's also the best surprise in the world. I can not wait for that moment in the delivery room!
Q: Will you eventually tell the baby about Stephanie?
A: We went into this process having no expectations about our relationship with the surrogate. We didn't need one, but if one happened naturally we would welcome it. And sure enough one has happened naturally, so I'm hopeful that Stephanie will be in our lives even after the birth of our child. I would love for our child to know Stephanie and her role in our story.
Q: Do you give suggestions or requirements to Stephanie during the pregnancy?
A: No. We wouldn't have chosen Stephanie if we didn't trust her and how she would handle the pregnancy. She has also had three healthy and successful pregnancies. Girlfriend is a pro and doesn't need any advice from me.
Q: Why did you use a surrogate and not adopt?
A: This is a tough one and one that I've thought alot about. I know there are so many children out there that need a good home. We started this process in February when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We chose to freeze embryos in case the treatment put me into early menopause (which I am currently in). The hope was that I would be able to stop my Tamoxifen treatment to get pregnant and carry my baby. That unfortunately was not an option for me. So we had to make a decision as to what we wanted to do and although I know a pregnancy isn't considered viable until 24 weeks when I think of the three embryos we have frozen, those are ours. Those are our babies and we need to give them a chance.
Any other questions? Feel free to ask!
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Anniversaries
2016 was a tough year. Not only was my entire year dedicated to cancer treatments, but I also lost someone very close to me, my Aunt Marcia. 2017 now presents all those first year anniversaries. Anniversary of diagnosis, anniversary or treatment dates, anniversary of completion dates, anniversary of losses.
May 12 was one of the Anniversary dates that I dreaded the most and ironically it was an Anniversary that had nothing to do with my cancer diagnosis or treatment. It was the Anniversary of losing my Aunt Marcia. Marcia is my dad's sister. My dad is one of 7. Being such a large family in such a small town, everyone knew my family growing up. We are "townies", born and raised in the same town my grandparents were born in. Most of the siblings remained in the area, all live in a short driving distance from each other. I grew up with 17 first cousins. Again the majority of us all getting together for each holiday. I have fond memories of massive Egg Hunts in my Grandmother's or my parent's backyard. Christmas Eve's at my Aunt Marcia's when my Uncle would dress up like Santa and deliver gifts. Christmases at my parent's or my Uncle Barry's. There were late nights with my Aunts and Uncles celebrating, drinking, dancing and playing games. I moved after graduation and I get back home sometimes, but it's not the same. I miss the days of all of us being together.
Of all my Aunts and Uncles, my Aunt Marcia was the one that made sure we all still got together. Despite her sometimes blunt way of talking, she was one of the most inclusive people I ever met. She never turned anyone away from a party or a meal, even if she was mad at you, you were still invited and made to feel welcome in only the way my Aunt Marcia could make you feel welcome.
As things typically happen after two people get married, my holidays started to become split between my family and Carmelo's family. We try and be fair and do every other year, but that means there are some holidays where it's just my mom, my dad and my brother at home. After years of having holidays filled with chaos and lots of people, it's a hard transition to all of a sudden be sitting at a table just the three of you. My Aunt Marcia understood this and would always without fail call my parents to make sure they knew they had a place to go if they didn't want to be alone. That always meant so much to me and breaks my heart now that it's gone.
My Aunt Marcia's house was always chaotic and not only did she not turn away friends and family, she never turned away a child either. For years my Aunt Marcia was a foster parent. She would take in babies and children in constant rotation, making sure they had a safe place to live. Her love of babies and children was admirable. She had three children of her own, but never turned a mouth away and eventually adopted three of the children that she fostered. Now having six children of her own. She was an amazing person.
After my Breast Cancer diagnosis, Aunt Marcia was one of the first to reach out to me. She checked in on me almost every other day, making sure I was still smiling and doing okay. So when she received her Cancer diagnosis right after me, I made sure to do the same for her. She was diagnosed with Lymphoma, an immune system cancer. We would talk about how we were feeling, what was ahead of us, how we would be bald together and most importantly how we were going to celebrate once our treatment was over. We were scared, but we were in this together and we were going to have the biggest party once our treatment was over. That celebration never happened. On May 12 we lost her.
It's a surreal feeling losing someone to a disease that you are battling at the same time. She wasn't supposed to die. We were supposed to beat cancer together. I'm not sure why I survived and she didn't. For the rest of my treatment, I felt like something was missing. Someone was missing. I missed her so much. I still miss her so much. Things just aren't the same with her gone. There is a void.
So May 12th was coming and I was dreading it until our blood work was scheduled for May 12, 2017. Blood work that would tell us if Stephanie was pregnant and the embryo implanted. On May 12, 2017, one year after losing my Aunt, we received the phone call that we were having a baby. There is no doubt in my mind, that my Aunt Marcia, the lover of babies has had a hand in making all this happen. Although I miss her so much and wish she was here to share this amazing news with, it's comforting to know I have an Angel watching over us and this baby. Aunt Marcia, We love you. We miss you.
Next up: July 7, 2017. The big 12 week ultrasound and also the one year anniversary of completing my chemo treatments.
May 12 was one of the Anniversary dates that I dreaded the most and ironically it was an Anniversary that had nothing to do with my cancer diagnosis or treatment. It was the Anniversary of losing my Aunt Marcia. Marcia is my dad's sister. My dad is one of 7. Being such a large family in such a small town, everyone knew my family growing up. We are "townies", born and raised in the same town my grandparents were born in. Most of the siblings remained in the area, all live in a short driving distance from each other. I grew up with 17 first cousins. Again the majority of us all getting together for each holiday. I have fond memories of massive Egg Hunts in my Grandmother's or my parent's backyard. Christmas Eve's at my Aunt Marcia's when my Uncle would dress up like Santa and deliver gifts. Christmases at my parent's or my Uncle Barry's. There were late nights with my Aunts and Uncles celebrating, drinking, dancing and playing games. I moved after graduation and I get back home sometimes, but it's not the same. I miss the days of all of us being together.
Of all my Aunts and Uncles, my Aunt Marcia was the one that made sure we all still got together. Despite her sometimes blunt way of talking, she was one of the most inclusive people I ever met. She never turned anyone away from a party or a meal, even if she was mad at you, you were still invited and made to feel welcome in only the way my Aunt Marcia could make you feel welcome.
As things typically happen after two people get married, my holidays started to become split between my family and Carmelo's family. We try and be fair and do every other year, but that means there are some holidays where it's just my mom, my dad and my brother at home. After years of having holidays filled with chaos and lots of people, it's a hard transition to all of a sudden be sitting at a table just the three of you. My Aunt Marcia understood this and would always without fail call my parents to make sure they knew they had a place to go if they didn't want to be alone. That always meant so much to me and breaks my heart now that it's gone.
My Aunt Marcia's house was always chaotic and not only did she not turn away friends and family, she never turned away a child either. For years my Aunt Marcia was a foster parent. She would take in babies and children in constant rotation, making sure they had a safe place to live. Her love of babies and children was admirable. She had three children of her own, but never turned a mouth away and eventually adopted three of the children that she fostered. Now having six children of her own. She was an amazing person.
After my Breast Cancer diagnosis, Aunt Marcia was one of the first to reach out to me. She checked in on me almost every other day, making sure I was still smiling and doing okay. So when she received her Cancer diagnosis right after me, I made sure to do the same for her. She was diagnosed with Lymphoma, an immune system cancer. We would talk about how we were feeling, what was ahead of us, how we would be bald together and most importantly how we were going to celebrate once our treatment was over. We were scared, but we were in this together and we were going to have the biggest party once our treatment was over. That celebration never happened. On May 12 we lost her.
It's a surreal feeling losing someone to a disease that you are battling at the same time. She wasn't supposed to die. We were supposed to beat cancer together. I'm not sure why I survived and she didn't. For the rest of my treatment, I felt like something was missing. Someone was missing. I missed her so much. I still miss her so much. Things just aren't the same with her gone. There is a void.
So May 12th was coming and I was dreading it until our blood work was scheduled for May 12, 2017. Blood work that would tell us if Stephanie was pregnant and the embryo implanted. On May 12, 2017, one year after losing my Aunt, we received the phone call that we were having a baby. There is no doubt in my mind, that my Aunt Marcia, the lover of babies has had a hand in making all this happen. Although I miss her so much and wish she was here to share this amazing news with, it's comforting to know I have an Angel watching over us and this baby. Aunt Marcia, We love you. We miss you.
Next up: July 7, 2017. The big 12 week ultrasound and also the one year anniversary of completing my chemo treatments.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
First Visit to the OB/GYN
Do you ever just feel like you're failing at life? This past week has been brutal. I have a huge project at work that it taking up about 90% of my life and all of my mental capacity. I'm not sleeping because I've been having the worst hot flashes (thank you Lupron and Tamoxifen for putting me into menopause). We gutted our kitchen, so my house is in complete chaos. No kitchen means, no sink, no stove and my entire kitchen is in my dining room. Eliza also got some sort of bug bite that made her eye swell like she had gone 10 rounds with Holyfield. She's been home from school because she can't see. And I'm exhausted.
This week started off with me forgetting to send my Dad Father's Day cards, followed by me completely forgetting to meet Stephanie for bloodwork on Tuesday. Two things that are so important to me just slipped my mind and I'm feeling like I can't keep up.
So after a brutal start to the week, I was really REALLY looking forward to our first trip to Stephanie's OB/GYN. I was really excited to meet her doctor and for her doctor to meet us and of course I was also excited to see our baby and heartbeat. The appointment went great. We went straight in for an ultrasound and got to see our little Gummy Bear. The baby's limbs were so clear this time and it was so fun to see our Bear's arms and legs.
After the ultrasound we went back to the waiting room to be called in to see the doctor. The visit consisted of a lot of questions about both our history and Stephanie's history. Some questions we fumbled through because we weren't sure who was supposed to answer them. But overall the appointment once again could not have gone better. Her doctor was so sweet and echoed our feeling about how amazing Stephanie is and that she is truly giving us the greatest gift. In fact her doctor got me a little choked up with how amazed she was with Stephanie. I'd like to say it's the lack of sleep, but it's not. It's that I still can't believe this is happening and that we found someone that couldn't be more perfect for us.
Needless to say this week got a whole lot better.
This week started off with me forgetting to send my Dad Father's Day cards, followed by me completely forgetting to meet Stephanie for bloodwork on Tuesday. Two things that are so important to me just slipped my mind and I'm feeling like I can't keep up.
So after a brutal start to the week, I was really REALLY looking forward to our first trip to Stephanie's OB/GYN. I was really excited to meet her doctor and for her doctor to meet us and of course I was also excited to see our baby and heartbeat. The appointment went great. We went straight in for an ultrasound and got to see our little Gummy Bear. The baby's limbs were so clear this time and it was so fun to see our Bear's arms and legs.
After the ultrasound we went back to the waiting room to be called in to see the doctor. The visit consisted of a lot of questions about both our history and Stephanie's history. Some questions we fumbled through because we weren't sure who was supposed to answer them. But overall the appointment once again could not have gone better. Her doctor was so sweet and echoed our feeling about how amazing Stephanie is and that she is truly giving us the greatest gift. In fact her doctor got me a little choked up with how amazed she was with Stephanie. I'd like to say it's the lack of sleep, but it's not. It's that I still can't believe this is happening and that we found someone that couldn't be more perfect for us.
Needless to say this week got a whole lot better.
Friday, June 9, 2017
Eight Weeks
We had our 8 week ultrasound today and you know what's amazing?! The baby looks great! Heartbeat is strong and everything is perfect. You know what sucks?! The trauma of our miscarriage takes all the excitement out of the ultrasounds. I walk into every ultrasound expecting to not see a heartbeat. I live in fear of the ultrasound. They make me anxious.
I really want to bring Eliza to an ultrasound appointment. But I am so afraid. What if there is no heartbeat? How would I explain that to Eliza? I don't think I would be strong enough to hold it together for Eliza not to see how sad I am.
I remember so clearly our 12 week ultrasound. Carmelo and I walked into the room so excited. For my pregnancy with Eliza this was our favorite ultrasound. She was a little jumping bean at 12 weeks and it was so much fun to see her moving so much. For the second baby, the technician put the ultrasound wand on my belly and up on the screen the baby popped. Not moving. Carmelo said "The baby must be sleeping." I remember looking away from the screen because I knew what I was seeing. Then the technician said "I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat." I have never been so sad. I have never seen my husband more sad. The whole thought just breaks my heart and I would never want to expose Eliza to that.
We have our next ultrasound scheduled for June 21. We will be 9.5 weeks pregnant. Our second baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. I'm hoping after the next ultrasound my fear will be lessened and I will be in a place to bring Eliza to the big 12 week appointment. But until then I am going to watch this video of my baby's heartbeat for the 1,000th time, celebrate the life that is growing because I am so in love already.
I really want to bring Eliza to an ultrasound appointment. But I am so afraid. What if there is no heartbeat? How would I explain that to Eliza? I don't think I would be strong enough to hold it together for Eliza not to see how sad I am.
I remember so clearly our 12 week ultrasound. Carmelo and I walked into the room so excited. For my pregnancy with Eliza this was our favorite ultrasound. She was a little jumping bean at 12 weeks and it was so much fun to see her moving so much. For the second baby, the technician put the ultrasound wand on my belly and up on the screen the baby popped. Not moving. Carmelo said "The baby must be sleeping." I remember looking away from the screen because I knew what I was seeing. Then the technician said "I'm sorry. I can't find a heartbeat." I have never been so sad. I have never seen my husband more sad. The whole thought just breaks my heart and I would never want to expose Eliza to that.
We have our next ultrasound scheduled for June 21. We will be 9.5 weeks pregnant. Our second baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. I'm hoping after the next ultrasound my fear will be lessened and I will be in a place to bring Eliza to the big 12 week appointment. But until then I am going to watch this video of my baby's heartbeat for the 1,000th time, celebrate the life that is growing because I am so in love already.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Race for the Cure
This Saturday was Hartford's Race for the Cure. For the second year in a row my team was recognized as a top fundraising team and I was a top individual fundraiser. In two years my team has raised $14,300 to help fund local Breast Cancer programs. I'm really proud of the fundraising work I have done because even though I received my treatment in Boston, it was the diagnosis here in Connecticut that saved my life. And any chance where I can give back, I want to.
This year I also made the commitment to run the 5k. As a survivor you are constantly struggling with who you were before and who you are after treatment and finding a balance. Running was a part of who I was before my diagnosis and I thought Race for the Cure was as good a time as any to try and get myself back. I am happy to report I finished and my time wasn't that terrible either.
A couple weeks ago I had asked Stephanie if she would join us. I was so happy when she said she would go. The day just felt complete having my whole little family there. It was also a nice opportunity for her to meet my parents and since her mom and sister decided to join Stephanie I got to meet them too! I don't think that the introductions could have gone any better. It really was a perfect day.
This year I also made the commitment to run the 5k. As a survivor you are constantly struggling with who you were before and who you are after treatment and finding a balance. Running was a part of who I was before my diagnosis and I thought Race for the Cure was as good a time as any to try and get myself back. I am happy to report I finished and my time wasn't that terrible either.
A couple weeks ago I had asked Stephanie if she would join us. I was so happy when she said she would go. The day just felt complete having my whole little family there. It was also a nice opportunity for her to meet my parents and since her mom and sister decided to join Stephanie I got to meet them too! I don't think that the introductions could have gone any better. It really was a perfect day.
 |
| Our Little Family Before The Race Started |
 |
| With My Parents |
 |
| I swear she was excited to be there. |
 |
| This weekend also marked our 6th Wedding Anniversary. We take the same photo in our backyard every year. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
She's Here!
Sorry there hasn't been an update for some time. Truthfully, we were enjoying being a family of four and settling in with our little mir...
