Making Lemonade

"When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade"

This post is long overdue but back in July, Carmelo, Eliza and I went out to Stephanie and Eric's home to support the boys' Lemonade Stand. This was the second year that Stephanie and the boys had a lemonade stand where the proceeds went to a charity. This year Stephanie and the boys picked "Bikers Against Animal Cruelty" and they raised $772!

It was truly inspiring to see how the community came out to support them and continued to reinforce how amazing Stephanie is and the impact she has on other's lives.

Carmelo's Family Meets Stephanie

This weekend we had family over to meet Stephanie and her family. Since the family was all going to be there we also decided to buy some balloons and a cake and make it's Eliza's Birthday Party.

The evening went perfectly. Everyone absolutely loved Stephanie. Eliza and her boys continue to amaze me how much they just naturally get along.

Eliza is also starting to make the connection of Stephanie's belly and her sibling. She couldn't get enough of Stephanie's belly. Touching it, hugging it and giving it kisses. It made my heart so happy to see how natural it was for Eliza to interact with the baby.  I continue to feel so thankful and blessed to have found someone to help us grow our family. There are moments of wishing that things could be different. Wishing Eliza would be able to interact with the baby belly everyday. Wishing it was my belly growing. But I know that is not our path and this is what was meant to be. And I continue to focus on that moment of holding our baby for the first time. A moment that would not be possible without my amazing doctors and Stephanie.

So Happy (early) Birthday Eliza! I hope you had the most amazing day! Love you Bunny Boos.

Commonly Asked Surrogacy Questions

Here is sample of some of the most frequently questions I get.

Q: Why are you using a surrogate?

A: I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in February 2016. It was Stage 3 (diagnosed based on the size of my tumor and because it had traveled to my auxiliary lymph nodes). My cancer was Estrogen and Progesterone positive, meaning it feeds on those hormones. Hormones that are increased when you are pregnant, in fact during IVF you inject your body with those hormones.

I will be on Lupron for two years and Tamoxifen for five years, putting my body into menopause. Some oncologists support patients stopping Tamoxifen to get pregnant (you can not be pregnant and on Tamoxifen). Originally this was our hope. But after seeing how my body reacted to hormone treatment, my oncologist could not support me stopping Tamoxifen. He told me I could get a second opinion, but I didn't want to doctor shop to get the answer I wanted. I went to MGH because they are the best cancer doctors in the world and I trusted his opinion. I would give anything to be able to carry my own baby, but what's the point of having a baby if I'm not around? I needed to put my health ahead of my desire to carry. So in October 2016 we began our search for a surrogate.

Q: Is the baby yours?

A: Yes. We implanted an embryo. My egg and Carmelo's sperm, so the baby is 100% genetically ours.


Q: Are you afraid Stephanie is going to take your baby?

A: No. Stephanie has three beautiful children of her own. If she wanted a fourth she would have one with her husband, not with me and Carmelo.

Q: Does Eliza know?

A: Yes. We have been very open about the process with Eliza, but she is also too little to  know anything different. She often pretend plays to be "Stephanie" and hands me her baby dolls. We have read books to her on the subject as well. The books we purchased were "Why I'm so Special. A book about Surrogacy" (this is my favorite), "The Kangaroo Pouch" and "The Very Kind Koala"

Q: Do you go to appointments?

A: Yes. We are very fortunate that Stephanie is local because typically it doesn't always work out like that. Since Stephanie is local, we try and make every appointment no matter how small or big it is.

Q: Will you be in the delivery room?

A: Yes! This was a question that was asked during our consults with the surrogacy agency as well as our psych evaluation and we both want to be in the room. If the birth is vaginal we will both be there, if the birth ends up being c-section, I will definitely be in the room and we will try and sneak Carmelo in too.

Q: Are you going to find out the gender?

A: Nope! We didn't find out with Eliza and we don't want to treat this pregnancy any different. I also feel like it's nice for there to be a part of this pregnancy that will be a surprise for everyone. It's really hard not to not be carrying my own baby. And keeping the gender a secret allows me to control something. It's also the best surprise in the world. I can not wait for that moment in the delivery room!

Q: Will you eventually tell the baby about Stephanie?

A: We went into this process having no expectations about our relationship with the surrogate. We didn't need one, but if one happened naturally we would welcome it. And sure enough one has happened naturally, so I'm hopeful that Stephanie will be in our lives even after the birth of our child. I would love for our child to know Stephanie and her role in our story.

Q: Do you give suggestions or requirements to Stephanie during the pregnancy?

A: No. We wouldn't have chosen Stephanie if we didn't trust her and how she would handle the pregnancy. She has also had three healthy and successful pregnancies. Girlfriend is a pro and doesn't need any advice from me.

Q: Why did you use a surrogate and not adopt?

A: This is a tough one and one that I've thought alot about. I know there are so many children out there that need a good home. We started this process in February when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We chose to freeze embryos in case the treatment put me into early menopause (which I am currently in). The hope was that I would be able to stop my Tamoxifen treatment to get pregnant and carry my baby. That unfortunately was not an option for me. So we had to make a decision as to what we wanted to do and although I know a pregnancy isn't considered viable until 24 weeks when I think of the three embryos we have frozen, those are ours. Those are our babies and we need to give them a chance.

Any other questions? Feel free to ask!

Things Not to Say to The Intended Parents (specifically the Mother)

Things are progressing as they should! Stephanie's bloodwork last Tuesday was above where it needed to be and I got a text message today saying that exhaustion is setting in...which means her body is housing a baby! So we could not be happier and have been slowly letting family and close friends know where we are at with the process.

We have the best support system and everyone has expressed their excitement for us. But even among the excitement and the hugs and the tears I still get some comments that take me back. They are never ill tended and are often followed by awkward silence after they realize what they have said, but the comments sting so I thought I would share what has hurt so if others are faced with news from an Intended Mother that her surrogate is pregnant they will avoid these statements.

1) "How awesome you can still drink!" - This is probably the most common statement that I get when I share our news of expanding our family thru surrogacy. It baffles me that people put that much emphasis on being pregnant and alcohol. It's no secret I enjoy a glass of wine or beer, but I would give it all up in a second if it meant I could carry my own baby.

2) "Lucky! You get to have a baby and not get fat!" - Similar to the first comment, I would do anything to be able to carry my own baby, this includes gaining the pregnancy weight. In fact, I lost weight when I was pregnant with Eliza...see Number One, remember you can't drink when you're pregnant, so although I gained a baby belly, I lost the beer one and kept it off until Eliza's 9 month sleep regression...which at that time the only thing that kept me going was caffeine and chocolate. Which brings me to the third comment.

3) "Since you aren't going thru the whole birthing process, you won't be exhausted." - Oh I didn't realize that the only part of having a baby that caused exhaustion was the actual act of delivery, not the feedings every 2 hours, or late nights when babies think it's a good time to have a party or scream for hours on end. Phew. Lucky me.

4) "You'll have all that time off and not have to worry about your recovery" - News Flash, since I am not the one going through the act of delivery guess what else I don't get...Short Term Disability. Guess what I do get? Two weeks paid. Yep. Two weeks. Lucky me again. I plan on writing a separate post on this topic and our lack of Paid Family Leave in this country, so I'll save the rant for another day, but yeah instead of the 8 weeks I would have got with my C-Section delivery, I get TWO.

I'm sure there will be more comments made, but these are the ones I have heard the most. So, if someone shares with you the news of expanding their family thru surrogacy, just remember chances are they didn't get there because they wanted to, chances are it was their only option. So if someone shares with you their surrogate is pregnant...Squeal with excitement. Shout CONGRATULATIONS! Cry tears of joy. Give them hugs. There is no need for anything other than that.