This Mother's Day

This Mother's Day felt different. Last year turned into my Cancer coming out party. Carmelo took one of my favorite photos of Eliza and I at Elizabeth Park and when I shared it on Facebook, there was no turning back, it was out there. Eliza's mom has cancer.

Mother's Day 2016

Fast forward a year and so much has changed. I beat cancer. It's gone. But I also found out I couldn't carry another baby. So it isn't just the cancer that is gone, but also the hope of getting pregnant.
It's a strange feeling being told your first child is your last. There was no planning or preparation for it. I didn't go thru my pregnancy with Eliza thinking "I need to remember how everything feels because this is my last time." I'm thankful that Eliza was such an easy pregnancy and I enjoyed every second of it. I never complained. Never felt sick. Never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant. If I could have been pregnant 100 times, I would have. I loved it. But although I enjoyed it, I don't think I took the time to really appreciate it and mentally capture every moment. I would have taken more pictures, which I have thousands, but it doesn't feel like enough. I would have taken more videos of the way my belly moved when she would kick or roll over. Being told you will never be pregnant again, when you haven't had a chance to prepare, really makes you not take all those small things for granted. I just wish I knew that 4 years ago.

6 Months Pregnant (in August) with Eliza

Now we have the most amazing gift in that we froze embryos and we found the most perfect surrogate. So although my dream of being pregnant is gone, the chance of expanding our family isn't. And what that has taught me is, you don't need to carry a baby or birth a baby to be a mother. Friday was our big day. I went with Stephanie first thing in the morning to get her bloodwork. This bloodwork would measure her hCG levels and tell us if the embryo we had transferred had implanted and if in fact she was pregnant. Waiting for that phone call felt like it took forever. It was the longest four hours of my life. But the nurse called and we got the news we wanted to hear. WE WERE HAVING A BABY!
When I heard those words, my whole body collapsed and I cried. I cried because every prayer we had said was answered. And I was going to get to be a mother again.
So this pregnancy will be different. I'll never feel this baby kick from the inside, I won't be able to talk to this baby every night or sit in the rocker singing "you are my sunshine" like I did for Eliza. But I hold onto to the thought of when we meet our baby for the first time and I am so thankful for that moment. My motherhood story with Eliza will be so much different than my story with our next child. I may not carry this baby in my belly, but I have carried this baby in my heart for so, so, SO long. And that is the Mother's love this baby will know and feel.
So this Mother's Day was different because there was so much to be celebrating.