There is a Heartbeat

It's amazing how much the baby has grown in just a week. A week ago we were at the doctor's searching for anything to confirm the baby was still there, today, one week later, there was so much to see. And we were able to see the most important thing of all...the heartbeat.

Going into today's ultrasound, I'd be lying to say I wasn't a nervous wreck. After last week I just wouldn't allow myself to get to a place where I was 100% confident the baby was okay, but today, seeing that little flutter on the screen allowed me to take the deepest sigh of relief. Our baby is okay and at 138 beats per minute, the baby is actually very okay.

A video of the heartbeat and our ultrasound photo

And now we are going into the weekend with the exciting news of a heartbeat. This weekend is the Hartford's Komen Race for a Cure. My parents will be there with some of our close friends and family and I am so excited that Stephanie and the baby will also be joining us, along with her mom and sister!. There will be so much to celebrate and I am forever thankful that our little family of four will all be there participating in something very special to me

Added bonus Sunday is our 6th Wedding Anniversary. Like I said so much to celebrate!

Last Year's Komen Walk

10:34 AM

Wednesday, May 24 at 10:34 AM I was sitting at my desk preparing for my presentation with our Chief of Operations and Technology Officer when my phone rang. "Stephanie" popped up on my screen and I thought "that's strange, Stephanie usually texts me" in fact I had just heard from her earlier that the Sea Bands I gave her were working. So I was surprised to see her name on my screen. When I picked up I could hear her talking to her son, Ryan, and thought, "maybe she butt dialed me", but then I heard her voice and it cracked "Meghan..." She then went on to tell me that she had experienced some cramping and bleeding and that she called the Clinic and they scheduled us for an ultrasound at 1:30. My stomach sank, but I knew this was a risk. I've seen the statistic that 52% of embryo transfers (in my age band) result in a Singleton birth. I'm sure that statistic may be even lower for surrogates. Add in there that Carmelo and I have already experienced a miscarriage, I have been nervous from Day 1 that our embryos just won't make it full term. It just felt like the odds aren't in our favor.

First I sent a message to Carmelo, telling him what was going on and that I was just trying to hold it together at work so I'm sorry I couldn't call him, but I would as soon as I left the building. Then I sent a quick message to my boss letting him know what was going on and that he would need to take over for our presentation. Thankfully I have a boss that understands and support a family work life balance. He said no problem and that he hoped everything was okay. It felt strange though sending the message. I wondered how my boss would react. It's strange feeling being the one that could possibly be losing her baby, but not the one physically going through the act. I can say I think I finally understand how Carmelo felt when we lost our baby. Completely helpless. Would people understand how truly devastating this would be for Carmelo and I? Or would they expect me to just recover quickly because again it didn't physically happen to me? All I know is how I felt and I felt like my world was standing still and the wind had been knocked out of me. I felt like my priority is my family and I needed to leave to be with my family.

I left the office around 11:30 to head home, change and get Carmelo. Around 1:00 we left the house to meet Stephanie and Eric at the clinic. We arrived first and they were there shortly after us. When Stephanie walked into the waiting room I could see it in her face, she was scared, I was too. We sat there talking, but not talking too much for fear that we might burst into tears.

The nurse came and got us. Carmelo, Stephanie and I went into the room, Eric stayed in the waiting room. After some maneuvering we saw what we needed to see, the sac and what appeared to be the start of the fetal pole. The doctor was able to zoom in and measure what we saw on the screen. It measured to be 5 weeks and 5 days...to the day where the embryo should be. You could feel the sense of relief come through the room. The baby was still there and the baby was fine.

Further scanning showed that Stephanie has a Subchorionic Hematoma, which is an accumulation of blood and should clear up on it's own. Of course it will add some additional paranoia to the pregnancy since Stephanie could continue to experience bleeding until it is cleared up. But there was a reason for the bleeding and it wasn't us losing the baby. Stephanie was okay and the baby was okay.

This whole process is new to us. It's new to me and Carmelo. It's new to Stephanie and Eric. Everything we experience is a learning experience. Today was a big one. Today made me realize how fragile this situation is. How little control I have. Today made me realize once again that I could not imagine going through this with anyone other than Stephanie. She was a rockstar in a very intense situation. I can not imagine the weight that she was experiencing today. But she was amazing and did everything I would have done if it was happening to me. And I have a feeling that together we are going to beat the odds.

Things Not to Say to The Intended Parents (specifically the Mother)

Things are progressing as they should! Stephanie's bloodwork last Tuesday was above where it needed to be and I got a text message today saying that exhaustion is setting in...which means her body is housing a baby! So we could not be happier and have been slowly letting family and close friends know where we are at with the process.

We have the best support system and everyone has expressed their excitement for us. But even among the excitement and the hugs and the tears I still get some comments that take me back. They are never ill tended and are often followed by awkward silence after they realize what they have said, but the comments sting so I thought I would share what has hurt so if others are faced with news from an Intended Mother that her surrogate is pregnant they will avoid these statements.

1) "How awesome you can still drink!" - This is probably the most common statement that I get when I share our news of expanding our family thru surrogacy. It baffles me that people put that much emphasis on being pregnant and alcohol. It's no secret I enjoy a glass of wine or beer, but I would give it all up in a second if it meant I could carry my own baby.

2) "Lucky! You get to have a baby and not get fat!" - Similar to the first comment, I would do anything to be able to carry my own baby, this includes gaining the pregnancy weight. In fact, I lost weight when I was pregnant with Eliza...see Number One, remember you can't drink when you're pregnant, so although I gained a baby belly, I lost the beer one and kept it off until Eliza's 9 month sleep regression...which at that time the only thing that kept me going was caffeine and chocolate. Which brings me to the third comment.

3) "Since you aren't going thru the whole birthing process, you won't be exhausted." - Oh I didn't realize that the only part of having a baby that caused exhaustion was the actual act of delivery, not the feedings every 2 hours, or late nights when babies think it's a good time to have a party or scream for hours on end. Phew. Lucky me.

4) "You'll have all that time off and not have to worry about your recovery" - News Flash, since I am not the one going through the act of delivery guess what else I don't get...Short Term Disability. Guess what I do get? Two weeks paid. Yep. Two weeks. Lucky me again. I plan on writing a separate post on this topic and our lack of Paid Family Leave in this country, so I'll save the rant for another day, but yeah instead of the 8 weeks I would have got with my C-Section delivery, I get TWO.

I'm sure there will be more comments made, but these are the ones I have heard the most. So, if someone shares with you the news of expanding their family thru surrogacy, just remember chances are they didn't get there because they wanted to, chances are it was their only option. So if someone shares with you their surrogate is pregnant...Squeal with excitement. Shout CONGRATULATIONS! Cry tears of joy. Give them hugs. There is no need for anything other than that.

This Mother's Day

This Mother's Day felt different. Last year turned into my Cancer coming out party. Carmelo took one of my favorite photos of Eliza and I at Elizabeth Park and when I shared it on Facebook, there was no turning back, it was out there. Eliza's mom has cancer.

Mother's Day 2016

Fast forward a year and so much has changed. I beat cancer. It's gone. But I also found out I couldn't carry another baby. So it isn't just the cancer that is gone, but also the hope of getting pregnant.
It's a strange feeling being told your first child is your last. There was no planning or preparation for it. I didn't go thru my pregnancy with Eliza thinking "I need to remember how everything feels because this is my last time." I'm thankful that Eliza was such an easy pregnancy and I enjoyed every second of it. I never complained. Never felt sick. Never felt more beautiful than when I was pregnant. If I could have been pregnant 100 times, I would have. I loved it. But although I enjoyed it, I don't think I took the time to really appreciate it and mentally capture every moment. I would have taken more pictures, which I have thousands, but it doesn't feel like enough. I would have taken more videos of the way my belly moved when she would kick or roll over. Being told you will never be pregnant again, when you haven't had a chance to prepare, really makes you not take all those small things for granted. I just wish I knew that 4 years ago.

6 Months Pregnant (in August) with Eliza

Now we have the most amazing gift in that we froze embryos and we found the most perfect surrogate. So although my dream of being pregnant is gone, the chance of expanding our family isn't. And what that has taught me is, you don't need to carry a baby or birth a baby to be a mother. Friday was our big day. I went with Stephanie first thing in the morning to get her bloodwork. This bloodwork would measure her hCG levels and tell us if the embryo we had transferred had implanted and if in fact she was pregnant. Waiting for that phone call felt like it took forever. It was the longest four hours of my life. But the nurse called and we got the news we wanted to hear. WE WERE HAVING A BABY!
When I heard those words, my whole body collapsed and I cried. I cried because every prayer we had said was answered. And I was going to get to be a mother again.
So this pregnancy will be different. I'll never feel this baby kick from the inside, I won't be able to talk to this baby every night or sit in the rocker singing "you are my sunshine" like I did for Eliza. But I hold onto to the thought of when we meet our baby for the first time and I am so thankful for that moment. My motherhood story with Eliza will be so much different than my story with our next child. I may not carry this baby in my belly, but I have carried this baby in my heart for so, so, SO long. And that is the Mother's love this baby will know and feel.
So this Mother's Day was different because there was so much to be celebrating.

Embryo Transfer Day

The transfer is complete!

I do not have the words to describe how happy we are today. After everything we have been through, it's finally all happening.

The day started off as normal as possible. We got Eliza fed, dressed and off to school, telling her that after today, her baby brother or sister is going to be in Stephanie's belly. She is so beyond excited to become a big sister.

Eliza can't wait for her Baby Brother or Sister, but she still has to go to school

I worked for a couple hours and then Carmelo and I took a walk. On our walk we talked about how blessed we are and that we feel so lucky that this day was finally here. Around 10:20, we got in the car and headed over to the fertility clinic. Upon our arrival and before we exited the car, we said a quick prayer asking for Stephanie and the baby to be protected thru this process. We took a deep breath and headed it.

Stephanie and her husband were already there and just like every other time we have got together with them, we embraced and smiled and were both so excited for what's ahead.  The clinic was running a little behind, so it gave us more time to talk. I love how much Carmelo and Stephanie's husband get along.

Eventually the nurse came and got Stephanie and I. She changed and the nurses went over a couple things and then brought in the husbands. The doctor came in and gave us "Baby's First Photo", a close up of our embryo. After going thru the procedure and any questions, Stephanie was escorted back to the transfer room and 15 minutes later was wheeled back in. Embryo transferred!

Our Team

Our embryo

Stephanie had to lay down for about 20 minutes, but after that the nurse said we were free to go. That was it...the day we had been waiting so long for was over...and now we wait...

Next up we are scheduled for the pregnancy test to confirm the pregnancy on May 12. Pray for us.

"I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new, that's what faith can do."

See that little speck? Right there? That's our baby! Transfer completed!

Introducing The Kids

So much has been going into preparing my family for what's to come. We have bought books that we have read to Eliza to help her understand that a new baby is coming, but the baby won't be in Mommy's tummy. She knows our surrogate by name, Stephanie, and we talk about her and her family openingly. We show her pictures of Stephanie and  her family so she can recognize them.

Going into this we didn't have any expectations about the relationship we were going to have with the surrogate and her family. We wanted any sort of relationship to happen naturally and if one didn't happen that was okay too. I could tell immediately upon meeting Stephanie that we would develop a relationship beyond the next year. But for us, Carmelo and I, it took us a while to let our guard down. We have both been thru so much in the last two years. Between losing a pregnancy and my cancer diagnosis, it's been hard for us to truly believe that good things are happening.

Between doctor's appointments and our mandated psych evaluations, we have seen Stephanie and her husband quite a bit, but we hadn't introduced Eliza to them or her kids. We talked about wanting everyone to get together, but Carmelo and I needed to be in a good, secure place before we could let the introduction happen. I want Eliza to know her and I want her kids to know us. It's important for Eliza to see who will be helping us grow our family and it's important for her kids to see who their mommy is helping. This is going to have a big impact on them as well. So the weekend before the embryo transfer we arranged for our families to get together and it couldn't have gone better.

We met at a local farm and the kids immediately hit it off. Ice was broken over the kids (and adults) shared love of Munchkins and from there, they were running around, feeding the animals, riding the horses, snacking some more and talking about their favorite topic, poop. I'm pretty sure Eliza and Stephanie's middle are spirit animals and didn't stop giggling about poop and pee the entire day.

It was the perfect day and just makes us so much more excited for tomorrow, Embryo Transfer Day! and what this year is going to bring for us.

Looking At The Pigs

Waiting for Their Horse Ride And Probably Talking About Poop

Most Likely Talking About Poop